Is this the craziest client ever?

I don’t even know why I am putting so much effort into writing short stories, when all you need to do is become a lawyer and then wait for people to send their own crazy stories.

Latest example:

Re: My abduction from Germany

Dear Sir,

I was abducted from Germany when I was three years old, after my nanny was assassinated in the house.

I suffered from amnesia all life long, and only recovered one year ago.

I reported the case to the police in Rostock.

My real name must be, from my souvenirs, Connie Aglaé Violetta Kathaerina Sylvana Neuhel Offelsman.

What should I do now?

I would like to retrieve my papers, and my family’s inheritance.

Thanks for writing back to me.

Cordially,

Catherine CLARISSE.

P.S.  They battered me cruelly when I was three, until four, and even tried to kill me, until my adoptive father over there came and forced them to send me to tribunal in Mauritius, where I was legally adopted, but this has not been declared internationally, since I threw away my passport, in order for them not to do ‘chantage’ against my grandparents living in Germany, because I was in panic. I am not in very good health now, whatever doctors say (hepatic problems and fatigue, depression).

As a lawyer, I am trained to read through long stories quickly and identify the main issue:

Dear Catherine,

because this is a rather complicated story, I suggest that we take a few hours to speak about it in detail over Skype.

I charge 400 EUR for such an initial consultation.

Of course she didn’t have the money. Just more “information”.

The only thing I can tell you, for the moment,

is that they tried to violate me then renounced

they burned my skin with spices and later with burning oïl

I was 4 years old

They put me in a grave for children

Their magistrate in Mauritius forced them to adopt me because I called the police over there

I don’t dare to show myself on the screen because sometimes my skin is good, sometimes it appears light Brown.  I met a fireman in hospital and he said that burned people never recover their colour completely.

Knowing that I am German, I feel uneasy, because they are my only family.  They didn’t even want to pay for my studies.  I always had to be gentle, and therefore, they finished by accepting to bargain that even me had the right to a life.

Cordially.

And:

Dear Sir,

another information I have is that my father was asthmatic, and he died when I was 2 years old, on the 1st February 1983.  My mother was French and I was born in La Salpétrière hospital.  He talked to me often and told me that he declared my birth in German Consulate.  And that they took my imprints for my passport, as well as an ADN test done.

Therefore, could you at least investigate?

He also told me that I would be able to recuperate my inheritance until the age of 47 years old, because it was specified on the testament.

Therefore, maybe you could do an investigation on my name, therefore you will be able to be paid later, when the case is settled? The family names arising in my head are Neuhel Offelsman Sohntra, and O connoughan by my mother.

I live in France since 16 years, and had many problems with this family, which conduce me to believe with more certitude that they are not my family because they have always been intimidating me, except the father who had himself a lot of problems in his life, with the mother and everything.  He sometimes insinuated I was not his child, but I did not hear well from one ear, now it’s better.

The nanny had a case in tribunal for me, until I was three, for her to adopt me, but this never happened, not in due time.  She was killed at home.

My dog barked and made me go out of the house.  I ran to Rostock and took the bus over there.  The grocer did not understand, because I was not in a state to report.

Sometimes I think this story is unbelievable, and think no one will help me.

I will arrange with my bank this month, to see if there is a way to pay you immediately, and arrange a consultation over Skype, but this will take 7 to 10 days.

My father was a banker and a doctor.

Can I write to the consulate on my own?  Will they still have the information, or else was I reported dead?  Do I still have family in Germany?  Would they accept to see me again, in that state?  That’s why I feel unsure.  Otherwise, I don’t understand where these souvenirs come from.  With so many détails.  I am Christian, and never would lie, therefore I’m pretty sure I’m telling the Truth.  Only prayer in Jesus and St Micheal saved my life all this time.  But this family put me in asylum in France, where the judge said I had Nothing to do in there, and where psychiatric treatment are given to people when they are consenting.  Is it because of my intonation of voice?  I never knew, and the psychiatrists don’t know even, that’s the ridicule of this situation.  They talk to me pleasantly, and we exchange about everything except the essential.  I never let anyone dominate me too much, that’s part of my character.

Catherine CLARISSE.

To which I only replied:

Without getting paid, I am not even reading your e-mails.

And people think being a lawyer is boring.

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About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a journalist, a spy or a hobo.
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24 Responses to Is this the craziest client ever?

  1. Miriam says:

    My brother in law is a lawyer and he tells me he’s heard a few wild stories too. Yes, you’ll never be bored..

    • I really regret that I didn’t yet have this blog when I worked as a lawyer full-time. There would have been a wealth of stories!
      If I ever return to practice law, it will mostly be to collect material for stories.

    • Miriam says:

      A good incentive …

  2. Conrad says:

    Andreas, this is pure gold. Monetize on it.

    The dog barking, and she being Christian, shows it is true.

    • Hahaha!
      And I already doubted the story when she was only four years old, but walked from France to Rostock to call the police. Or when her father spoke to her after he had died.

    • Conrad says:

      Pure gold. Even platinum

    • If such a client had money, a lawyer could live off them for a year or two.

    • DANSON Jacqueline says:

      And a therapist for a lifetime or two!

    • Anonymous says:

      I can not wait until you try to publish. I am already onto the publishes to make sure you do. and look foward to you defending a string of lawsuits. hahaha.,

    • I am glad you are also very influential with publishers. Hopefully with all of them? Could you also negotiate movie contracts?

  3. David says:

    She obviously hasn’t read your blog if she thinks that noting that she’s Christian will impress you… :-)

    BTW, can one’s skin be burned with spices? (That’s a serious question.)

  4. DANSON Jacqueline says:

    I think maybe she’s approaching the wrong type of professional for the help she actually needs :)

    For sure the most creative of your clients. Or the most reliant on Google translate beta 1.0.

    Or both.

  5. deeess says:

    I have read this, and re-read it, and re-read it… really struggling to put everything in context. And every time I do read it, something else pops up the either confuses me or amuses me! As for running to Rostock from France, perhaps it was BECAUSE the dog barked? I seem to recall, Andreas, that you have been chased by barking dogs occassionally when you were out running?

  6. DANSON Jacqueline says:

    But when Kate I am mo such thing, Andreas IS a lawyer; he’s not “pretending to be one”. She’s wrong about a lot of things – but that isn’t one of them!

  7. DANSON Jacqueline says:

    And your authority to say this is …? You haven’t even given your real name, which Andreas, in contrast, has had the integrity to do.

    I can vouch for it that he gave me some very sound and extremely helpful legal advice – and I am a woman.

    Sorry to so throughly debunk your conspiracy theory!

    • But you know that in the eyes of the conspiracy wacko this just means that you are part of it, Jackie. Which means that you too will be reported to Interpol.

    • DANSON Jacqueline says:

      Well I totally agree I should be reported (for not catching the auto-correct errors before posting). I own full responsibility for it.

      But the bad news (for the conspiracy theorist, that is) is: I imagine Interpol may have somewhat more interesting things to do than to investigate that (albeit heinous) crime. If not, they will certainly find themselves fatally understaffed and permanently overwhelmed.

      And the other bad news for him/her is that I know a jolly good lawyer who could ably defend any case brought against me ….

      So bring it on!

      Jackie

    • I already feel sorry for Interpol indeed. They must receive hundreds of silly e-mails every day.
      But the funny thing is that these trolls always threaten to inform Interpol (and they may really annoy Interpol), not knowing that Interpol actually doesn’t deal with criminal complaints by individuals. It is merely an organization to coordinate and exchange data between national police agencies. They don’t really have agents running around Europe to look for bloggers (who in any case are not hiding, but constantly posting articles about where they life).

  8. DANSON Jacqueline says:

    And anyway, isn’t the person posting anonymously defacto more suspicious than those openly using their real names? Duh. Not the of brightest individuals, some of these trolls!

    • I am sure she will open a new e-mail account just for that purpose, something like interpolreport@… and use yet another name.

  9. DANSON Jacqueline says:

    I somehow think Interpol might see through such a transparent and hackneyed ruse … couldn’t they think of something more original, like IdaNtlikeit@…?

    The troll should go do something useful, like study to be a lawyer or historian or study literature, film and mind-broadening and beautiful cultural things.

    But wait! They just don’t seem to have the necessary skills … I feel even more sorry for them than for Interpol.

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