Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II

Since February 1952, Elizabeth II has been the Queen of the United Kingdom and a few other Commonwealth countries, putting her into a league with other long-reigning heads of state like King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand, Muammar Gaddafi in Libya or Fidel Castro in Cuba. You will have noticed that none of the members of this elite circle was democratically elected.

"If you are stupid enough to continue to pay for us, we will continue to pester and embarrass you."

The 60th anniversary of the ascension to the throne is being celebrated in the UK and other Commonwealth countries as the “Diamond Jubilee“. I already expressed my dismay about this undemocratic relict here and here. I could use this occasion to do so again, but I found something much better in the German satirical magazine Titanic which I will translate for you below.

Here the original in German, published as part of the series “Versager der Geschichte” (“failures of history”):

Seit sechzig Jahren (in Worten: 60) sitzt sie nun schon auf dem Thron und verstopft die britische Monarchie: Queen Elizabeth II. Die zäheste aller Krampfhennen hat von ihrer Mutter (Queen Mum) die Unverwüstlichkeit geerbt, aber so etwas Grundsympathisches wie deren Ginsüffeltum sich nie angeeignet. Bieder, blaß und triefend vor Deppenwürde stinkt sie gegenüber allen ihren Vorgängen auf dem hochsubventionierten Monarchensessel ab: Nicht einen einzigen Lebensabschnittspartner hat sie aufs Schafott gebracht – und sollte sie doch je ein Mitglied ihres Boulevardfressenhofstaates beseitigt haben, dann geschah das gemäß ihres Schoßhündchengemüts: unauffällig und ohne Respekt für die spektakuläre Mörderhistorie ihres Amtes. Auch in Sachen Folter blieb sie stets eine Null – sieht man einmal davon ab, daß sie die Öffentlichkeit mit den einzigen Gestalten foltert, die noch schlimmer sind als sie: ihrer Familie. Der früh vergreiste Trottelgatte, der schamlose wie peinliche Sohn mit der Goofy-Visage… Und erst die Enkel: die fickrige Pub-Nase, der debile Vorzeige-Schwiegersohn. Von dem angeheirateten Genmüll mal ganz zu schweigen! Ihre Zähigkeit und die Brut, die sie mal hinterlassen wird, wird ihre Schreckensherrschaft noch auf Jahre hinaus sichern. Glückwunsch!

And here my attempt at a translation in English:

For 60 years she has now been sitting on the throne and has clogged up British monarchy: Queen Elizabeth II. From her mother (Queen Mum) this most pertinacious of all spasmatic hens inherited the indestructibility, but unfortunately not something as likeable as the old lady’s habit of sipping Gin. Unsophisticated, pale and oozing with a douche bag’s dignity, she can be forgotten in comparison with her predecessors on the highly subsidised throne: she did not manage to push a single significant other onto the scaffold – and if she ever did get rid of a member of her tabloid gobsmack royal court, then it happened in tune with her lap dog mind: low-key and without any respect for her office’s spectacular history of murder.  She always remained a similar nothing in regards of torture – unless you consider her torturing the public with the only creatures that are even worse than herself: her family. The senile baboon husband, the equally shameless as embarrassing son with the Goofy mug… And then the grandsons: the horny pub nose, the moronic trophy son-in-law. Not to speak of the in-lawed genetic trash. Her resilience and the brood which she will leave behind one day will secure her reign of terror for years to come. Congratulations!

If you find it too harsh, you may abdicate.

About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a writer, a spy or a hobo.
This entry was posted in History, Politics, UK and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II

  1. Lillian Smith says:

    Andreas, very witty write-up.

    It seems that Germans do not like her much despite her being of German descent. The Queen’s real family name is Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. The name ‘Windsor’ was only adopted during the last world war as having a German name did not look good back then.

    • For me, it’s not a question of German, British or anything else. I just don’t like heads of state or rulers that haven’t been democratically elected.

  2. John Erickson says:

    Now, you KNOW I’m gonna have to take you to task, right? Or are you just tweaking me, looking for a properly indignant response? ;)
    I’ll just agree to disagree with you. While I do find them an anachronism, you know how much I love my anachronisms! :D

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