The End of Al-Qaeda

You could almost feel sorry for Al-Qaeda. Ten years ago, these terrorists were able to make the world tremble with shock and awe (which you can’t really blame them for, because what else would be the purpose of a terrorist organization), get long-established democracies to throw their principles over board (for which these countries could very well be blamed) and to seduce NATO into a lengthy military campaign far from its original geographical domain.

Already in the years after their large-scale attacks with planes, the weaknesses of Al-Qaeda became obvious. As is so often the case, the problem originated with the human resources department. Nobody will be scared of a “shoe-bomber” who has 6 hours time during a transatlantic flight but only manages to set his shoelaces alight or of an “underwear-bomber” who causes the most embarrassing injuries only to himself, in the process also earning the most embarrassing nickname of all the graduates of his year at Terrorism High School. In 2010 Al-Qaeda was lacking personnel so severely that they mailed packages with bombs to Jewish organisations in the US in the hope that the recipients would detonate the bombs themselves. Which they didn’t.

By then, the guys with the long beards should have learnt from the history of the guys with the long hair and should have dissolved themselves just like the Red Army Faction in Germany did. But like most megalomaniacs before them, Al-Qaeda missed the right time for retirement.

The final evidence for their demise is provided by the terror organization in its own English-language magazine Inspire. Earlier editions had included instructions on how to blow up skyscrapers, but the Spring 2013 edition suggests a completely different form of jihad: Muslims are encouraged to pour oil on the highway to cause accidents, to set fire to parked cars and to put boards with nails on the road.

AQ torching carsThe section on setting fire to parked cars explains how a match becomes a weapon of jihad: “While the Kuffar are deluded into thinking that their superior technology will defeat us, we put forth that we will defeat you even if it is by a matchstick.” The young terrorists are explicitly admonished to ensure that they don’t set fire to the cars of Muslims (a precautionary measure which most suicide bombers overlook). If you ever received one of those free copies of the Koran, you can now leave it on the dashboard. It’s a better protection against terrorism than all the NSA snooping could ever provide.

AQ nail boardsThe instructions for building the board with nails to be placed on the road read like an assembly instruction from IKEA. The editors of Inspire have taken into account that the latest generation of terrorists is not too bright, as they have to spell out the warning against leaving any incriminating evidence, like ID cards or schoolbooks, at the scene of the attack.

The funniest thing of the whole magazine is the reason provided for the attacks on cars: “The goal is inshallah that if enough Muslims fulfil their obligations of Jihad, the Kuffar and their insurance companies will be so sick of the terror caused and money wasted by these simple operations that they will press their government to stop the tyranny against Muslims.”

This background puts the report on the recent traffic accident of German Chancellor Angela Merkel into a far more dangerous perspective. I hope that the German counter-terrorism community is on full alert and will finally press for a speed limit on the Autobahn.

(Dieser Artikel ist auch auf Deutsch erschienen.)

About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a writer, a spy or a hobo.
This entry was posted in Germany, Islam, Politics, Technology, Terrorism and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to The End of Al-Qaeda

  1. Pingback: Das Ende von Al-Qaida |

  2. Um … two things. First, isn’t it the Red Army FACTION? Or is this a sub-group, and hence referred to as a fraction? ;)
    Second, you’re giving up too soon! Just like Blackwater, Al-Qaeda is re-branding itself. Now, the go by acronyms! Yes! Like Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula – AQAP. Just rolls off the tongue, don’t it? Now, you gotta work on the group in Yemen, and get them to title themselves as being in Yemen, South. Then they can be AQYES! (“Ack, yes!”. Sounds like a US Congressman caught with a bimbo NOT his wife.) :D
    I’m surprised their instruction manuals don’t explain that you hit the wide end of the nail with the hammer, not the point. Don’t laugh – half of my neighbors don’t know that little tidbit! 8O
    I might not catch you tomorrow, with it being our 25th engagement anniversary AND New Year’s Eve (the two kinda go together), so if I don’t, have a very Happy New Year’s Eve and Day!

    • Thanks for correcting my mistake, which was due to a lazy transliteration from the original German “Rote Armee Fraktion”. This time, I can’t even blame it on a typo.

      I’ll be off to Palermo for the New Year and I wish you and your wife the very best for 2014!

  3. dino bragoli says:

    Great article, it got me thinking, the nicknames shoe bomber and underwear bomber aren’t nearly embarrassing enough. May I suggest Imelda Marcos and Eunuch boy.

  4. radius says:

    Hi Andreas, I’m worried that the NSA has got you on their radar now, after you backlinked Al-Quida newsletter on your blog.
    Happy New Year

    • I am also a bit worried about that. I will see how it affects my next entry into the USA.

      Happy New Year from Palermo!

    • No worries, Andreas. Just tell them you know me. Believe me, this post will be the LEAST of your worries! (On the other hand, you will be guaranteed room and meals – for 10-20 years, with time off for good behaviour. ;) )

  5. RADIUS says:

    I am sure the next time Al Gore has a flat tyre on his bike, you will be one of the main suspects for the distribution of instructions “How to construct weapons of mass destruction of vehicles”.
    cheers to Sicily

  6. inavukic says:

    The seemingly randomness of targets and situations of such attacks is very worrying – it seems everyone needs to watch their backs and be vigilant on the road, anywhere… one wonders whether this new style of jihad attacks – bit by bit – has anything to do with the widespread national security surveillance? If jihad has spread to our streets/roads it is a matter of grave concern.

  7. dino bragoli says:

    I was thinking what tactics would I use in a guerrilla war, if I was involved in one of course.
    The obvious WW2 Partisan tactics came to mind, you know the kind of thing, removing manhole covers and stretching steel cables across roads to bring down motorcyclists, then I had a thought.
    Until the 50’s tape worm egg capsules could be bought in any high street chemist shop. They were prescribed to aid weight loss. Tape or hook worm eggs can be easily separated and collected by using a basic schoolboy microscope, as for distribution…. ahem, I don’t want to give them any ideas but I know where I would put them.
    Following a ‘spectacular’ attack we would at least lose some of the blubber gained over the Holidays.
    The attack would be backed up by a propaganda campaign spearheaded with something like this.
    Viewer discretion advised:

    • You might get recruited by AQ soon.

    • dino bragoli says:

      Being a former Patrol Leader in the Scouts I have more tricks up my sleeve… super glue in locks can seriously disrupt businesses but being descended from Italian Communists who by nature are anti-theist, I don’t think AQ would be interested in recruiting me….

  8. Pingback: Video Blog: Car Bomb in Bari | The Happy Hermit

  9. Pingback: Sue me! | The Happy Hermit

  10. Pingback: I am bored by terrorists | The Happy Hermit

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