Pizza Consultation

Zur deutschen Fassung dieser Geschichte.

I called the pizza place to order a Big American pizza.

Deviating from the usual procedure, the woman from the pizzeria did not accept the order with joy. Instead, she became rather serious:

“Well, about the Big American, I have to tell you something.”


“It’s not really a creation of ours. We kept it on the menu after buying the business last year, because some of our customers like it.”

Yeah, I’d like to try it too, I thought.

But the woman warned me: “This pizza has everything on it, so many ingredients. All together in one pizza!”

I knew that. I had checked the menu and had made the decision based on a very hungry stomach.

While I was still thinking about what she was getting at, it became clear: “If you like, I can prepare a Big American pizza for you. It’s your decision. But I don’t think you are going to like it that much.”

I had never gotten the impression that she knew me that well, because we had only met a few times when I’d picked up previous pizzas, ordered, by the way, without any problems. I always pick up food myself, because I find this whole delivery business a bit presumptuous and upper-class. There is hardly a more visible degradation of a human being to a pure workhorse than to let someone else drive food around in a snowstorm, to open the door impatiently, to allow a short glimpse into the warm and cozy home, and to send the guy back out into the human and meteorological cold immediately after taking the warm cardboard box from him. Moreover, here on Faial, I live on a very steep path that I wouldn’t want any delivery guy on a bicycle to have to tackle, especially as he, should he miss the little house that I am currently occupying, would be heading straight for a dangerous volcano. I don’t deem my time to be more valuable than the time of another human being, and that is why nobody else should be sweating on their bike, just to save myself half an hour of walking. Besides, I don’t like waiting at home, not being able to go to the bathroom fully relaxed.

“As I said, it’s your decision,” the pizza baker interrupted my sociocritical train of thought.

I ordered a bacon pizza instead, picked it up, took it to a field, leaned against a bale of hay and ate it with delightful pleasure, looking at the sea and the bacon-providing cows.

The pizza place had probably just run out of corn.


About Andreas Moser

Travelling the world and writing about it. I have degrees in law and philosophy, but I'd much rather be a writer, a spy or a hobo.
This entry was posted in Azores, Food, Portugal and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Pizza Consultation

  1. Pingback: Pizzaberatung | Der reisende Reporter

  2. sk says:

    That’s quite a amusing scenario. No corn!

  3. Corn?😂😂 I was thinking that she was discouraging you because they didn’t have all the toppings and couldn’t admit it.
    People are funny!
    We use delivery service, even though I have a car. A lot of people are out of work and with lockdown, the Uber drivers aren’t getting as many calls. Bringing our salt & grease helps them earn their paychecks. And we always tip big😉 I live in a city though, I wouldn’t make someone waste the gas if I was out in the country.

    Is there even such a thing as beef bacon??🤣 I’ve had turkey bacon, vegetarian bacon and regular bacon, but cow??🤔

    • Being out in the country and not using delivery service also prevents me from over-eating. Because when I have to get dressed again and go for a long walk, I will think about it twice and rather go to bed early instead of having another 1000 calories or how many are on a pepperoni pizza.

      Beef bacon is for people who eat halal or kosher. :P But really, I don’t know much about food. I though one could get bacon from anything if you slice it thinly enough. And if you say there is vegetarian bacon, then nothing would surprise me anymore!

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